People really seem to dig Jesus. And that's cool and all, we all need role models. But let's face it, things didn't work out too well for Jesus. As Tim Rice astutely pointed out, he picked a backward time and a strange land to roll out his message. "Israel in 4 B.C. had no mass communication." Jesus's time is done. He lacks relevance for our modern lifestyle.
So I suggest a new object of worship, one that embodies the ideals and values of the 21st century. Human perfection doesn't mean the same thing now as it did in Jesus's day. The modern man doesn't need platitudes about peace and brotherly love, he needs to learn how to adapt his lifestyle to a world in which image is everything.
Fortunately, we've already been gifted with not one, but two modern messiahs, men who represent the highest state of being as defined by the cultural and sociological mores of the present. I'm speaking, of course, of the Most Interesting Man in the World (from the Dos Equis commercials) and the Man Your Man Could Smell Like (from the Old Spice commercials). Yes, I know they are fictional characters created to sell products, but after all, isn't that what Jesus is? Jesus is the ultimate corporate spokesman, who sells not beer or cologne, but membership in the Church. What's the difference? Jesus turned water into wine, the MYMCSL turns tickets to that thing you love into diamonds. Who would rather have wine than diamonds?
Clearly, the MIMITW and the MYMCSL are the two best people in the world. There's really no arguing that point. So why shouldn't we turn to them for our worship and idolatry? If there was a Church of the MIMITW and the MYMCSL, I would seriously attend it. There would finally be a church that understands what we as human beings are looking for in life. Isn't it more important to follow a man whose to-do lists have won Pulitzers, than a man who, as Douglas Adams put it, was nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change? Jesus just isn't cool.
Of course, if we're talking about real people, I think Dexter Holland might be the coolest man in the world. He's the lead singer of the Offspring (a band that gets cooler with every album), he has a Master's degree in molecular biology, he's a pilot who has flown around the world solo, and he owns his own brand of hot sauce. I mean, I'm not saying I'd worship the guy, but damn, he's cool.